Success Really Isn't Everything

All my life I've felt like I've never been good enough or done well enough. 

No matter how hard I worked I never had any recognition as to how well I did so most of the time I didn't care.

I gave up.

As a child my father didn't believe in being proud because the definition of proud was against what he believed. I get that so I never bring it up.

But I would have loved to hear that he was at least pleased or honored or something.

I'm 27 now and I'm married to a great man even though he can be a dork sometimes and get on my nerves I love him dearly and we have an adorable child together.

We have a decent home that we rent from a friend, and it's filled with nice things that we saved up to buy.

We have a very nice car, we eat healthy foods, and pay our bills. 

I am able to stay home with our son and take care of the house while my husband goes to work and comes home around the same time each night.

My husband has a reef tank that the build itself without all of the fish, coral, and bits and pieces cost more than my first car (5k anyone?)

We BOTH are in school. My husband is almost done with school and I have recently started back. 

I have maintained a 4.0 GPA in accelerated classes, caring for my family and keeping up with my housework and for a while working a seasonal job that I was called into almost every night to fill spots.

After FINALLY finishing my undergrad I hope and pray that I can attend the Pennsylvania School of Optometry and receive my doctorate as a Optometrist and become an amazing doctor just like the many doctors I have worked with in the past.

I am a Christ following Christian. 

I mess up, I repent and I pray daily for everyone around me. Even though I am watching those of the Christian faith be put down and push around and have their rights taken away I still follow my Lord and try my hardest with His help to be what He needs me to be. 

My ten year high school reunion is coming soon.

In a little over two years I will be seeing people I graduated with that probably haven't thought of me since then and I honestly want to feel as though I've done something so that I can feel accomplished.

My husband is funny, he tells me anytime I bring this up that I should make a statement and not go. I laugh at him because he knows that:

1. WE are going (he didn't go to my high school)

&

2. I don't have a #2, well not really anyways. I just want to do something so that I'm not a loser, that I'm not the same girl that everyone knew in high school. 

I look back at pictures, journal entries, myspace & facebook posts and wonder if I've grown up enough. Did I accomplish enough.

Have I changed for the better or worse.

What else can I do.

How can I be what I always wanted to be.

Then I try to remember what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do with my life.

Then I look back at what I did in high school. How much I went through and how much I missed because I felt worthless. 

I wasn't good enough.

I wasn't pretty enough.

Not skinny enough.

Not tan enough.

Not smart enough.

Not "religious" enough.

Didn't go back to school soon enough.

Not. Enough.

Have you ever felt this way? 

suc·cess

  [suhk-ses] 

noun

1.

the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts orendeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals.

2.

the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.

3.

a performance or achievement that is marked by success, as bythe attainment of honors: The play was an instant success.

4.

a person or thing that has had success, as measured byattainment of goals, wealth, etc.: She was a great success on the talkshow.

How do you define success?

Do you compare yourself to others? 

Do you make a list of what you have done thus far in your life?

Or do you just look at your completed goals as your success? 

I only do the first two.

I compare my life to other's lives and to get myself away from the revolving door that is depression I then make lists of what I have done to pull myself out of that hole. 

I struggle with this everyday.

And now that our ten year reunion is so very very close my heart stops when I think of what I haven't been able to accomplish and how much my adult self wanted to accomplish. 

Worrying isn't going to help me though. Sticking to my plan that I have created is the only way I'm going to achieve anything.

I have given up on wishing away the days so no more of that. 

More concentrating on the now and working towards something bigger and better. 

Praying that I can do it and thankful that Our Lord and Savior is proud of me for what I've gone through, what I'm dealing with now and what I will endure in the future.