What the heck? Why am I so gloomy?

So gloomy lately!

I have had some people who have said they were my "friends" block, delete, and talk about me behind their backs.
It's quite upsetting to have this happen. I don't think I'm a bad person, I actually have been told that I am very kind, and loving but when it comes to military spouses... Yikes!
I don't know what I do but man, I drop them quick!

Honestly, I'm glad that the one person who 'dropped' me actually did that. She had been talking about her friends behind their backs to me the last time we hung out, then the next day she was having dinner with them. Warning sign much?

The others, I could care less. I don't need drama in my life. I have enough in our house with our new baby blue/gold macaw (I haven't been on in a while huh?), our two dogs, my husband and our son. That's enough to handle along with school, and the search for a job that will pay enough to be worth my time.

So I don't make friends or keep them easily. It sucks. I agree with my husband when he says that we just need to get out of the military and plant ourselves someplace and go from there. We aren't military material. I thought I would be until I moved to DC and then out here to Vegas.
This crap is hard!!! The ladies I befriended in DC made it look so darn easy!

If you really want to make friends with military spouses, hang out on base or live there. But for me, I don't like base, I avoid it at all costs and I don't really like military spouses because they tend to be flakey. Especially if they live on base. Don't get me wrong, I have met a couple ladies who are so kind and they live on base but they moved. (See my problem here???)

My gosh.

So I was sitting in my living room the other day, folding laundry and I was thinking of how cool it would be to start a YouTube channel. Our life is pretty interesting even on a mundane day like Monday. Let's see today (as in yesterday, aka Monday) I had to hand feed the bird, wash the puppy who decided that tipping over the bird formula and then rolling in said formula would be a great idea, I cleaned up said formula and made more while my three year old was yelling that he had to go to the bathroom while standing right. outside. the. door. of said bathroom.

Then our oldest dog was crying because she couldn't get her bone out from underneath the couch, my husband called to tell me that he forgot something but he didn't know what it was so to be prepared to look for unknown item, the garden/clean up guys came to 'garden' our non-exsistant back yard which btw will be covered in rocks after this weekend (yay for the landlord finally listening).

We also had someone else's package delivered to us, my son asked 1000000000000000000 questions in 2 seconds and expected proper answers to every. single. question.

And I wrote a 10 page paper in 4 hours!

Oh heck yes!

Happy Monday everyone!!

PS... I started doing core exercises again.
PSS. My belly looks like it has blown up thanks to said exercises :(

Style

Well I can't figure out how to get my photos to look pretty so deal with this layout. 

Anyways...

Let's talk about style!! I don't really have one anymore but finally I am getting down to a smaller size and I am starting to feel more comfortable in my body again. {I'll never be used to the stretch marks though} I have been looking around at clothes online and trying to get an idea of what I should buying so I can actually have clothes to wear again. Clothes that don't look like I stole from a homeless person. These are a few photos of what I used to dress like. Before my beautiful {but rather large} child took my body hostage for 10 months. I have been organi-

zing photos to delete, print and so on for the last couple months {yup I have THAT many photos. Don't judge} and even though it's a great way to walk down memory lane it's also hard to see myself in a mostly toned body. Makes me want to go and run 20 miles and pray to God that I lost at least 5 pounds.
Exercise, good eating habits, sleep and staying hydrated are key to maintaining a healthy body weight. Sadly I do not exercise nearly enough and with a three year old you would think I'm running all around but out here, we are mostly inside year round. Not by choice though. Soon
my son will be in prek and will be doing sports

 and so forth. I want to be the mom that is running with him every day while he practices for his big
game against some rival town. I have to stop saying it and instead just jump on the bandwagon and
get my rear in gear!!!

Back to style...

I need new clothes. My walmart duds aren't cutting it anymore. So I think I'm going to stick with the styles in these photos. Light sweaters, tank tops, jeans, add some skirts in, some pretty flawy dresses and some nice trousers and blouses. Did I say I am looking for a full time job?

Oh yeah... I am. I think getting myself back out in the world and working again will help bring back my self esteem and really force me to get back to being Me!

I have quite a few places I want to put my resume into. I am quite excited to be going back to work. It will take me a while though. I have to organize working, going to school full time, being a wife, and a mom. Making sure that the housework gets done {hopefully I can hired someone}, make sure my child is getting the attention and love that he needs and deserves along with buying myself a new car to transport myself to and from work. Or at least pay for my husband to get a new car so that he will have something to drive and I will take the hybrid. Okay way to much talking about cars.
If anyone reads this, I ask that you pray for my family and myself. A job would help so much with paying off bills, help my overall well being, and allow for my family to live a better life.

It is most definitely scary though. I haven't worked a full time job in almost FOUR years!!  That is one heck of a long time to be away from the work force. It's time to get back into the real world again.

Until later,

Bye Bye Y'all!!!

Lou Auborn

My husband called me today from Florida where he is for the week for some very sad circumstances. His step father passed away this past weekend. My mother in law obviously is heartbroken and so is everyone else including myself. I stayed behind because it was the smart thing to do not only for the sake of my sanity but also for our financial well being.
We will be driving from Vegas to the Orlando Florida area in April. A two day drive with a three year old. Great.
He was a great man and he is already missed.

Lou Auborn 

4.27.1950 - 2.9.2014

I have dealt with far to much death in my life. By the time I was in high school I had been to at least one funeral a year, most of the time it was at least two. Lou is going to be cremated, and his ashes will be sealed inside of one of his favorite guitars. He is with our Heavenly Father right now playing in the Lord's band. I never got to know him as well as I should have. I knew he was a great father to my sister in law, and a very stern step father to my husband. He and my mother in law Tammy adopted four children. Three of which have mental disabilities and the oldest of the four that has made my husband so very very very VERY proud to call him his little brother.

My mil (mother in law) told my husband to tell me that anytime he spoke about me he called me his daughter. For me that meant the world that this man who I knew so little about loved me like his own, that just makes me so happy yet it makes me weep knowing that I will never get to talk to him and have a real conversation with him about his life.

My greatest fear is losing someone who has so much confidence in me and not knowing their story and them only knowing mine. 

Guess what? This has happened so many times in my life and I STILL have yet to learn! It's NOT about me, it's about those around me and how they have impacted MY life and made ME a better person.

I do not do good with emotion. I crumble, I try to retreat and hold it in and it does not work for me one bit. Especially when that emotion is so strong. So overwhelming. I just go numb.

I need answers when someone passes. Everything possible to understand what has actually happened. To grasp what has occurred and what the next step is. That's my closure after a good ugly cry THAT is how I heal.

Death sucks for those of us left here on earth. We are left to suffer and wish that those whom have left this earth were still here. We morn in different ways, throwing away the deceased's belongings, hoarding their belongings, staying in bed for days, going on vacation, selling the house, etc.

We all morn in some way shape or form. The numbness eventually goes away but our memories of them, their voice, their smell, a piece of clothing that was tucked away that pops up when you are cleaning. A picture, a letter, anything can trigger us to return to that place again.

My (step) father (in law), is in heaven. No doubt in my mind. He turned his life around and made it the way it should be. They are having a celebration of his life at the church that he helped set up a few years back. A celebration! He's in heaven dancing and playing his guitar! Enjoying eternity with our Father in heaven! It really is a celebration isn't it?

The Christian radio station out here called S.O.S Radio, which I'm pretty sure is everywhere, had a speaker whom came on and said this;

"This world is the only heaven that a non-believer will ever experience, and the only hell that a believer will endure."

That makes me so sad. When I tell someone about Jesus and they turn their cheek, it hurts me knowing that no matter how good they are, no matter how great of a friend they are, I will never see them in heaven. It hurts me. I just want all of my friends (and family) to find Christ and devote their lives to him.

Lou did that. He's up there right now and loving every moment of it.

Can't wait to see you again Lou! Say hi to my Nanna, Poppa, and all the rest of my family up there!

You aren't my mother

I thought I would take a moment to write about someone whom I have learned so much from, yet I want to be nothing like. My mother.

Honestly, I don't even call her my mother in informal conversation. To my friends and family she is known as ann. I have always, used to be a very positive person. The world does a number on you once you move out into the real world and deal with real world problems.

With that said, I used to be a very positive person. I had such amazing goals such as traveling the world, meeting a man with an interesting accent and traveling all over with him and our four children, he would be an writer and a artist and write novels with our family as the characters. It would be amazing! {Did you read that in an annoying magical voice? Good.}

Instead I found my perfect match with an Upstate NY accent, a love for the beach, and a member of our armed forces. Well two out of... Ah whatever. He's awesome and that's all that really matters.

Okay getting back to the real world like I outlined above. I learned a lot from ann. I learned that AA isn't someplace I want to be attending for the rest of my life so I should drink responsibly or not drink at all, unlike her. I learned that I needed to be honest with those around me and be loving and caring unlike her. I learned that I need to try my hardest and love my children, unlike her. I learned that even though I unwillingly learned behaviors like yelling, having anger issues, and being depressed; I could and can overcome those issues, once again... unlike her.

Ann never wanted me. I could hear the emptiness when my father told me that in early 2013.

"I begged her to keep the baby. She had stopped drinking the moment she found out and had not been doing drugs for a while."

I was in awe.

"I told her we could get married. That after she had you she would just have to clean up her act and we could have a big wedding. I lied to her to keep you alive."

Wow. This person who hated me so much and who didn't want anything to do with her unborn child had so many issues herself that her only reason for keeping me was because my father, whom was in no way ready for a child either, who promised to marry her if she had the baby.

I asked my father about this after a year of therapy. My therapist wanted to know if there had been any physical abuse from my mother. From what my father knew, I had not been physically abused but I had been mentally abused, I had been exposed to things that I really shouldn't of been and so much more.

"She left you in your crib at 2 months old and left for work." My father tells me the story of my mother leaving me alone in the trailer my grandfather had bought for his only child... my mother. And how my father received a call from work from my mother who had to drive over a half an hour to work to call him to let him know that I was alone in my crib. He called my mother's father and step mom to go and pick me up from the trailer and then called the cops on her.

Wow how times have changed. The cops did nothing but give her a slap on the wrist, a stern warning.

This isn't a pity party. I am writing this to remind myself of the monster that gave birth to me did to me. A reminder of what I DO NOT want to be like. A blatant reminder that when I get upset and yell, I am doing the same thing as she did.

Keep your cool.

It's not that bad.

Breathe deep.

Hug him.

Love him.

Snuggle him.

He's still little.

Read him books.

Kiss his toes.

Teach him.

Do you get it?

My first memory that I can ever remember is living in that trailer. My bedroom door is locked, my mattress is on the floor, I have a dresser, and a small bin of toys. It's summer and it's so pretty outside, but I'm in my room and hungry.

I later found out that the first memory I can recall, my mother was getting high in the living room with her boyfriends and my dad wasn't allowed in the house. I was so hungry that I remember when my mother was passed out on the couch I would eat the butter from the butter dish on the kitchen table. Only a week or so would pass and I would be taken out of my mother's custody.

Thank you Lord for protecting me!!

Next memory I have of ann took place when she was in recovery. I spent my birthday in a hospital with my grandparents holding on to me while she stayed in her bed. What a mess. What a scary person. She looked evil to me. How could this person be my mother?

I blew out my candles and the memory disappears.

I must have been 6/7? That's when your memories start to become more vivid I believe. I can remember the smell of incense burning. It always made me sick. She had put a small bed in a closet with a window. It was my "room" even though I only stayed overnight that one time there. He was there. That vile man whom she wanted me to start calling dad because she was going to marry him. Sorry, no way was that going to happen.

I woke up to them yelling. He beat her and threw her down the stairs and dragged her out by her hair. I remember she was bleeding and once they were outside I ran down the stairs to her neighbor with the birds. I was shaking and crying. I called my Nanna and Poppa because I couldn't remember my phone number. I waited with the bird lady. I didn't see my mother for a long while after that.

Our brains are so very amazing. We remember the tiny details of our memories but can not remember the bigger picture. As a child I feel that it is a coping mechanism that allows us to feel secure about what we have experienced.

Living with ann was a horrible experience. The situation that occurred that forced me to live with her was quite simple. My father was getting married and he was moving away, and guess who didn't want to move with him? That's right. Me.

I moved in with ann my sophomore year of high school. She acted as though she had the one up on my father. She didn't. She had no idea what she was in for because I was NOTHING like her. I had boyfriends, some of which I wish I hadn't, I was very active in church but I was not doing good with school. The reason? I had no space to do anything. Ann moved us into a one bedroom apartment on the scary side of town on the one main road on that side also.
I got the bedroom and she slept on the couch. Our neighbors could see INTO our bathroom window when they walked down their outside stairs, so I wore a robe everywhere. Behind our crappy apartment was a drunk who's friends were always calling 911 because he was passed out in his chair.

I was always being locked out of the apartment, told to go find someplace else to stay for the night and constantly on my tiptoes around her. I look at the house my husband and I rent today and I am in tears thinking how much better our son has it than I did a short 12 years ago.

After a year of living in a tiny cramped apartment we moved into a weird work trailer turned apartment. I had my own bedroom and bathroom all to myself, for the most part anyways. In that apartment she started accusing me of smoking pot, and doing drugs while she was away at work. She worked 3pm-11pm every night. My grandmother said it perfectly, "It was as though she wanted to you around just so she could claim you on her taxes. That's the only reason she wanted you." She meant that kindly believe me. She was right though. Every tax season we would go and I would have to sit there so she could claim me on her taxes. Happy for the tax break and extra money.

My senior year, my grandfather (her father) passed away. My world was turned upside-down. I was a wreck and so lost and confused. I skipped classes, I just didn't go to school some days. So it happened, I was called into the principles office and was given in school suspension for two weeks. I gave up. All I wanted was for someone to help me. That was the most depressing time in my life. I wanted to end it but I didn't.

I didn't walk the stage for graduation. Even the three girls who where pregnant walked the stage. Not me. I sat at the structure I called my home and sobbed for hours while my mother was at work.

I lived with her from 2003-2006. Summer of 2006 I left her apartment because of a confrontation that occurred about money. Go figure. I moved in with my father, whom had moved back to NY after his separation from his now ex-wife.

I went from living in a smoke filled run down apartment with no food and no support system, back to a home. My father didn't have much so I paid him rent and went to college. I paid my bills and did the right thing. I stayed out of trouble and I'm so glad I did. Because my father allowed me to move in with him even after I had chosen ann way back when, I married the man of my dreams (even though he can be a little jerky here and there) and I am working my way to becoming the woman I want to be.

she can't hold me down anymore. she has no control over me or my life. she will NEVER meet my children and will NEVER be allowed to hurt me EVER again!!!

Ephesians 6:2
"Honor thy mother and father."

I am honoring her by implementing what she has unknowingly taught me. she has taught ME to not be afraid of her. To be ME and to be better than I could ever imagine. That I don't need to flaunt my body to get what I want. That drugs, alcohol and anything else that impairs ones judgment is wrong. That God is the only one that can get you through everything and that even though she said I would never amount to anything, I have done more in my short life than she has in her 50+years.

I will treat my child with respect, teach him well, love him, care for him and work on yelling and being angry. I will spend more time with him and look at things from his perspective. I will continue to work on me, and remember that the issues I have are all learned and it will take time to unlearn them.

And most of all, I will love my husband with all of my heart.
I will show my children what a Godly, functioning marriage looks like. <

As military members we kinda live in a bubble...

Happiness!!!

So our world has once again been flipped UPSIDE down. Our lovely government is cutting half of the Air Force. And... my husband's job is one of the many who are up for separation. 

How Lovely... 

So we are making the best of it looking at potential homes, searching for jobs, childcare, healthcare (no thank you, I will not voluntarily enroll in obamacare), etc. This isn't easy. Life isn't easy. We would be starting all over! 

We have a lot of friends who aren't in the military saying, "it won't be that bad! You will just be switching jobs!" 

Yes, because switching jobs is ever easy. Especially when you have bills that don't just stop when you stop using them ex: our $500 car payment! Or our $150 cell phone bill that will rise up to over $200 once our discount from the military is taken away, or our credit card bill from the car wreck last year that they didn't give enough to even cover half (Thanks NEVADA for your STUPID laws! We didn't even cause the crash and the other guy made out STILL).

In all reality it would be like becoming an orphan. But that's what happens when your entire savings is drained to take care of emergencies. 

There is an upside to all of this though. We would be near family! Our son would grow up at least knowing some family rather than knowing them from a screen, or a picture frame. The first couple years would be HELL. And that's fine because we have Our Lord God there to help us along the way. We would have to rent but we wouldn't have to move out of state every 4 years unless we wanted. We could start over fresh in a new city and make friends with people that could be our friends forever. 

Did you know that majority of military that own their own home do not reside in the same state as that home? And usually the house is purchased within the second half of the tour at that location? 

I have multiple friends who have 1, 2, and even some have 3 homes all in different states. It does become a income property if you are able to rent it to someone who isn't going to wreck it. We live in a military member's home. He has NEVER even step foot onto the property. He bought it while living in Virginia (where we met him), moved to Japan, and now is in Hawaii. He's owned this property for over 6 years and never seen it. Crazy huh? 

So? What is our decision? I've heard that so many times in the last two weeks. We don't know. We love the idea of getting out and using the money to pay off all of our credit cards. But we still will have other bills that need to be taken care of also. We also want to stay in. The healthcare, the discounts, the job security (even though it's being taken away) and so on. We aren't done with school. We have too much debt and so much more. 

As military members we kinda live in a bubble. Which is why my husband and I have always decided to live off base and try to befriend those who aren't military. We have tried to keep a "civilian" lifestyle. My son and I go off base for all of our care, we pay copays for medication, and we live life as close to a "civilian" life that we can. 

These and so many more, are the reasons that single veterans have such a hard time integrating themselves back into society. 

Finding your place in a world that you haven't actively participated in, in years is sooooo difficult. So many older veterans are homeless and have no family because they divorced while in the service and their families forgot them, they moved on, they didn't understand. 

I won't allow that to happen to my family. I will do my best to make sure that my husband transitions to this "new world" that we haven't been apart of in years! 

Here's to the New Year and possibly a very large change in our life! 

God Bless Y'all!

Traditional College? Say what?!?!?

Smile! I'm not in "traditional" college and I LOVE it!!

I have just realized that I probably would have NEVER survived traditional college. 

As I'm typing this, I sit in my super plush yet firm queen sized bed (it's easier to move with the military), with all of my blankets around me, my amazing pup Maggie-May at my feet, my fan blowing perfectly in my direction and my skeet shooting ear protection on. 

I am comfortable and I can't hear anything going on downstairs, which is why I keep my phone on vibrate next to my leg. 

I totally would NOT have been happy going away to college and staying in a dorm for even a year!

Even in high school I had my room perfect, everything in it's place and the ONLY way I could study is if it was completely silent. 

Thankfully in school you take all of your tests in a room with people who AREN'T talking but none the less.

I recently spoke to a younger family member on the phone while she was in her dorm studying. We talked for about an hour and a half and it was a little after supper time. She had grabbed food from the cafeteria and went back to her dorm to study. 

As we spoke it was clear as to why she studied during peak eating hours. 

It was SOOOO LOUD!

Her dorm was considered to be "quiet" and because she didn't partake in drinking she rarely did anything during the school week. 

I felt so bad for her. 

She told me this; "If I had known how loud and obnoxious it was going to be, I wouldn't have chose dorm life. I would have gotten a place off campus and would have saved so much money in the long run." 

Her and her roommate are two peas in a pod so they have signed up for off campus apartments for the  coming year and may actually be able to move in spring semester. They are both ready to go and have their parents ready to drive over with furniture and household goods for them. 

College is scary enough. Add in loud nights were you can't study, and small dorm rooms it's a combination for a bad year. 

My family member told me that her roommate and her had already purchased fabric on sale to make curtains, pillows and table coverings. 

I think I would have been in the same situation as her if I had gone to a "traditional" college. 

Lucky for her, her "off campus" housing is closer to the cafeteria than her dorm, which means she's going to keep her meal plan and just stock up on food when she goes! How awesome is that??

Love my gun range earmuffs :)

My Life is REALLY a gift from God above!!

First I should say that we had an amazing New York vacation!! 

It made me realize that we don't need to search for a place to call home once we are done with the military because Upstate Ny IS home!

It was so cold there and we ALL got sick (because of the cold) but it was HOME.

Jeremiah had so much fun being with our family and opened up so darn quick! 

Our next step is to get back there as soon as possible! 

So now that we have been home for a couple of days, I'm sick like usual. I'm so thankful I wasn't sick there. I am so glad I was able to enjoy our two week break from hell (vegas). 

Please keep our family in prayer that we will be able to move either back home for good with decent jobs or that we can move back close enough to drive with really good jobs.

My dad (saba), my grandmother (oma), my aunts and uncles, my cousins, our friends, they all loved having us there. With Jeremiah and whatever future children we may have I know that we can depend on them being there for support, more support than we have had the entire time out here. 

Not saying that we don't have a support group here but really it is not the strongest group ever. 

So, we got a new puppy! His name is Cooper and he is a yorkie-poo! 

He's a spunky little guy but he fits quite well with our family!!

We got him in Ny at the same place we got our Maggie almost 6 years ago!

We are so happy to have him, even though Maggie is still the queen pup. ;)

So tonight something amazing happened. 

My husband who really didn't want to be a father this young; did something so astounding that I had tears in my eyes!

He had brought up Jeremiah's fish tank up to his room because he's afraid of the air vent on the ceiling and the fish help him sleep thanks to the light on their tank. 

Anywho, I heard him come upstairs while I was getting ready for bed so I knew that he was situating the tank on Jerm's dresser. 

I walk quietly up to the door and peek in and I see him laying in bed next to our son and he tells him;

"You are safe as long as I am here. Mommy is safe, BunBun (stuffed rabbit) is safe, Maggie is safe and Cooper is safe. As long as I am here you have nothing to worry about buddy."

To many, that would just be sweet. Awwws and how cutes and so on. 

To me, it means the world!

My husband has always had a hard time figuring out his role as a dad. His dad wasn't in his life the way that he is in our son's life. His dad is an amazing dad but his parents divorced before he could even roll over, so sometimes he is overwhelmed by everything that is thrown his way when it comes to parenting. 

(I'm not much better considering my mother was and is a deadbeat who didn't want me in the first place. So I've learned as much as I can from interacting with moms who I see as role models. Books, and using my "motherly intuition")

I think I have said this before but we have so many marks against us for our marriage, raising children and just living our lives to the fullest; so anytime something like this happens, I'm overjoyed! It reminds me how deeply our Lord has blessed us. 

No matter how hard we may have it at times (which honestly isn't that hard), and no matter how complicated our lives are out here in Vegas.

We are blessed with this AMAZING gift from the Lord!

I feel so LOVED when I hear my husband reading scripture, or saying the kindest things to our son or when he does something to HELP me around the house that honestly he doesn't have to do. 

Blessings from above, are life's biggest treasures!

&

Money can only buy so much, all of the rest comes from those who are worth more than their weight in gold. 

I really hope your Thanksgiving was a happy one! While back home we visited with my family and then visited with my inlaws whom drove up to Ny from Fl to visit with us!

It was an amazing trip even with all of us sick at the end of the trip. 

I also made a small thanksgiving dinner this past saturday because honestly, we didn't get any leftovers and that really is one of the best parts!

Hopefully I will be feeling better so our huge Christmas tree can go up along with the decorations for the house (nothing to fancy!). 

Well y'all! You all have a great night, until next time!!